INTERVIEW WITH REPLICA LOCKED-UP P

hello all. before you enjoy my exclusive interview with REPLICA LOCKED-UP P, let me tell you how this blog works. in the coming days, weeks, months, years, and perhaps even millenia, or at least until bordeom sets in, REPLICA LOCKED-UP P will reveal the many shades of his complex personalities through that most thuggish and gully method of telecommunications: blogging. each blog entry will be based on a particular aspect of REPLICA LOCKED-UP P's delicate psyche...for example, he has told me that his debut blog entry shall be titled "THIRD-WAVE-FEMINIST P". other blog entries he has planned for the near or distant future (or, as REPLICA LOCKED-UP P refers to it: "reverse past") include:

- STAY-AT-HOME-DAD P

- HOME-AND-GARDENING P

- ARTS AND CRAFTS P

- RUBICK'S CUBE TOURNAMENT SEMI-FINALIST P

- WEIGHT-WATCHERS P

- INNOVATIVE PUNCTUACTION SPECIALIST P

- SO-YOU-THINK-YOU-CAN-DANCE? P

- VOLLEYBALL P

- BEACH VOLLEYBALL P

- HOPSCOTCH-AND-JUMPROPE P

- HELPFUL-HINTS-AROUND-THE-HOUSE P


but before i give REPLICA LOCKED-UP P the reigns to the entire blog, i'll share this exclusive one-on-one interview i had with the man himself:

april 17th, 2008: i try to wipe the sleep out of my eye as i wait, hazelnut latte in hand for the legend. an english dude wearing a maroon sweater is kicking a scrawny guy's ass at chess. a girl in turtoise-shell glasses is pacing near the entrance, sucking a cigarette. i look at her for a moment, admiring the way she nonchalantly produces smoke circles before she cuts them up with her finger and they vanish into thin air. just at that moment, REPLICA LOCKED-UP P walks in, orders a small hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, and sits down, staring at me in stony silence.

my stomach trembles. i can't believe i'm face-to-face with him. this must all be a figment of my imagination, or even a vivid dream. he chugs down his velvety beverage and then looks at me again with those steely brown eyes, which are accentuated by the chocolatey mustache that has formed on his upper lip. i point to my own lip, as if to communicate to REPLICA LOCKED-UP P that he has a hot-chocolate mustache, but he suddenly says:

"WHAT UP, G'Z?!"

me: um...me?

P: LISTEN MAN, U LIKE KNOWLEDGE OR TRICK KNOWLEDGE?

me: um...actually, i kinda prefer the garden variety...

P: U POISONIN' YOUR LARYNX WITH THAT HAZELNUT SHIT, DUNNY. I'VE READ 27 BOOKS IN THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY, MOSTLY BIOPICS ABOUT JAZZ MUSICIANS, AND I'VE DISCOVERED THAT HAZELNUT IS THE MAJOR INGREDIENT THAT THE SKULLS AND BONES SOCIETY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF YALE USE TO POISON OUR MINDS AND MAKE THE POISON FILTER TO YOUR GENITALS THROUGH THE PANCREAS. I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT THIS IS WHY 97% OF CHILDREN ARE CHILDREN OF THALIDOMIDE. THAT'S WHY I ONLY DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE WITH EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM.

me: yeah, i think i read an article about that in popular mechanics.

P: NO DOUBT, DUNNY. NO DOUBT.

me: so what made you decide to turn to blogging?

P: BECAUSE OF THE CHILDREN OF THALIDOMIDE, I DECIDED THAT I HAD TO EXPOSE THE DEFICIENCIES IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE OVERALL POWER STRUCTURE. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, A BLOG IS USED BY PIRATES AND SAILORS IN THE NAVY SINCE OLDEN TIMES, AND IT'S "BLOG", WHICH IS A COMBINATION OF THE WORD "ELECTRONIC" AND "BINARY".

me: i'm sure your fans would like to know the man behind the words...the real REPLICA LOCKED-UP P, if you will...so let's get to know you: what's your favorite food?

P: I USED TO EAT NOTHING BUT DUCK A LA ORANGE FOR SIX YEARS STRAIGHT BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER SNACKS, BUT THEN I FOUND OUT THAT THE SECRET GOVERNMENT INJECTS A CHEMICAL CALLED "SOYLENT GREEN" INTO DAIRY PRODUCTS, SO I DECIDED I WOULD NEVER IN MY LIFE EAT ANYTHING THAT FLIES. BITCH, YOU GOT FEATHERS, I AIN'T EATIN YOU. SO SINCE THAT DAY MY FAVORITE FOOD HAS BECOME KUNG PAO CHICKEN WITH GRITS ON THE SIDE AND COCONUTS FOR DESSERT.

me: what do you enjoy doing in your free time, no pun intended?

P: DUNNY, YOU KNOW I RUN THE STREETS FROM THE BRIDGE TO THE BAY, AND YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITHOUT INTELLIGENCE. THAT'S WHY I PLAY LEGEND OF ZELDA ON SUPER NINTENDO. YEAH, IT'S OLD, BUT IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GUTTER. IT GIVES YOU ALL THE INFORMATION AND KNOWLEDGE YOU REQUIRE TO FLOURISH IN THE STREETS, AND THAT'S REAL. CUZ IF YOU ON THE CORNER AND 5-0 CREEPIN ON A COME UP, YOU BEST KNOW YOUR WAY AROUND HYRULE AND GET THAT BITCH FAIRY TO FILL UP YOUR MAGIC METER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

me: not really, no.

P: MAN, YOU GOT TO FLUSH THE TOXINS OUT YOUR CHOLERA AND COLON AND SHIT SO WE CAN BE ON THE SAME WAVLENGTH. OTHERWISE THE ELDERS OF THE OPUS DEI WILL BURY THE CONSTITUTION AND NOBODY CAN UNEARTH THAT SHIT UNLESS YOU GOT FUCKIN NICOLAS CAGE OR SOME SHIT.

me: before we go, is there anything you'd like to tell your fans?

P: EVERY PERSON HAS A POSITIVE ENERGY OR A NEGATIVE ENERGY, CALLED "INERTIA".AFTER THE HYKSOS AND ROMANS CAME IN AND COMPLETELY WIPED OUT EGYPTIAN POWER AND TOOK TOTAL CONTROL OF THE SACRED LAND. CLEOPATRA, THE LAST TRUE BLOODLINE OF THE PHAROAHS OF EGYPT AND LAST TRUE EGYPTIAN QUEEN HAD 2 CHILDREN WITH THE WHITE MAN FROM THE HYKSOS NAMED “MARK ANTHONY.” THEN WHEN THE ROMANS CAME “OCTAVIA,” THE LEADER OF THE ROMAN ARMY OVERTHREW THE EGYPTIANS AND HYKSOS.

MY FANS HAVE THE POSITIVE ENERGY, WHICH IS DERIVED FROM THE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES OF THE EARTH. STOP BURNING PENTEGRAMS AND MOLESTING THE NEWBORN ENVIRONMENTS.


PRODIGYhnic2…………………
ALBUM IN STORES NOW!!!!!!!! HNIC2.COM